Saturday, December 22, 2012

how did my mom survive christmas cookies? (recipe included)

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movies have tricked us mothers into believing that baking christmas cookies with our littles is such a sweet time. you will all be wearing cute aprons and the pink cheeked children will be standing on chairs around the table taking turns rolling out, cutting, and frosting the delicious little sugar cookies while licking their cute little fingers

nope.
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the baby will be emptying the utensil drawer
the 2 year old will be dumping the flour on the floor while you're trying to pick up the spatulas and wooden spoons
the 3 year old will be feeding sprinkles to the dog
you will slip on a brown piece of banana
not a peel, an actual piece of banana
and trust me, they are really slippery
and yes, this happened
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next the 3 year old will suddenly get the urge to steal your keys and run out into the woods with them while you were trying to roll out some dough
you will spank the 2 year old for throwing flour at his brother for the 4th time
you will use the thing you have nearest to you
which happens to be your flour covered hand because the baby has once again emptied the utensil drawer and run off with your spoons

hope nobody notices that on his pants

next you will be running to stop the baby from pulling all the movies down on himself and you will slide across the kitchen on the flour that has been spread around
were they thinking it was snow and would look pretty?
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you try to be sneaky and roll out the  ookies on the island
but soon enough you hear chairs squeaking across the kitchen floor and here they come
you give them each a piece of dough that they can call their own
they will also be eating this cookie later because its been worked over in their dirty little hands for half an hour
they spread flour, beat it with the spatula, drop it on the floor
the 2 year old quickly realizes its edible and his is gone and he's asking for more

you open the oven to check the cookies and suddenly the 2 and 3 year old decide to have a fight with your collection of metal mixing bowls

why?

cookies are done
and cooled
this is the "fun" part
the frosting
you are trying to teach them how to frost some of the cookies
they only get a few because they are guaranteed to break/lick them all
but don't turn around for even 1 second
thats all it takes for the 2 year old to help himself to a handful (yes i said handful) of frosting

all the while you are trying to remind yourself this is supposed to be fun
then you suddenly think of your mother and wonder how in the world she is not in the loony bin solely from this once a year event

i am determined to make this a good memory for the kids even if i need an entire bottle of wine tonight
(don't worry. i know i'm pregnant people. i won't drink the WHOLE bottle)
i absolutely loved christmas cookie time when i was little
my kids will too dammit

and here is the recipe for the only cookies i will be making this year
its literally all i can handle
i took my mom's recipe for sugar cookies and made it vegan/allergy friendly
 
and it did end up being fun
but sometimes i wonder about those parents who let their kids throw crap around the house every single day
i would be not a sane person
or rather, i'd be more of an insane person than i already am
 
 
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Vegan Sugar Cookies and Frosting

1 cup earth balance "butter"(or coconut oil)
2/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup silken tofu (this is your egg replacement)
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
2.5 cups flour

beat the sugar and "butter" until creamy
add the rest of the ingredients and mix until everything is stirred in well
check the bottom of the bowl because the flour tends to collect down there and you don't find out till you've cleaned the mixing attachment....then you get really mad
just saying

refrigerate for 2 hours
if you're impatient you can put it in flat chunks wrapped in plastic wrap and stick them in the freezer until they get kind of hard
the only reason for this (that i know of) is to make them easier to roll out
if its all mushy you're going to get super mad at the dough and your rolling pin

roll out to 1/8 inch thick trying to use as little extra flour as possible
use the cookie cutters
do i really need to explain this part?

bake for 10-12 minutes or until edges start to brown
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allow to cool for a few minutes before removing from pan

allow to cool completely before frosting
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Vegan Frosting

1/2 cup coconut cream
3 TBLS coconut milk
1/2 tsp vanilla
enough powdered sugar to make it thick
did you seriously think i would measure that?
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Friday, December 14, 2012

the not so glamorous side of pregnancy, childbirth, and beyond

 
this one goes out as a warning to all men who are currently thinking about having children or who have the woman they love expecting their baby
you must be warned
chris was not warned
so please listen
and if you get to the end of this and email me and try to say "my wife doesn't do any of this" or "no that doesn't happen" then you should take off the blinders and get the clothes pin off your nose
 
carrying a child is not all smiles and happy tears and beauty
i promise
sure these glorious things will be thrown in there somewhere but really its not all that glamorous
 
 
lets start with the most obvious and the very first thing you will see your lady doing after she finds out she's carrying your baby: throwing up and gagging
you may only see this occasionaly, you may see it often
it will come on without warning
if she says "look out" you better move or better yet, grab the garbage can for her
you get extra points if you do this
very rarely does a woman actually get away without any of this
all the websites and books say that only 3/4 of all pregnant women experience some form of morning sickness
this is a lie
 
next, she will constantly have to pee
and she'll constantly be talking about pee
so hot right now
she will also not be able to poop
she will probably discuss this with you occasionally
feed her prunes
she will thank you
 
she will fall asleep everywhere
and not in the "aww cute. she's sleeping on my shoulder" kind of way
in the "drooling and snoring loudly" kind of way
something with pregnancy and snoring
i don't get it
 
next there will be snot
for some reason our sinuses go into over drive and we are always snotty
mmm. mucus
 
oh...and her breath suddenly has the potential to be deadly
 
now lets move onto the serious stuff
gas
yes, i said it. i'm talking about gas.
your beautiful lady who smells like flowers is now a stink factory
and she can't control it
she will try
but she will also fail
men, think of the grossest thing you've ever smelled
now multiply it by 10
now try to think of all the reasons you fell in love with her in the first place
you will need to remember them often
 also, try not to be jealous of her new skill
 
she may pee herself
this will come later on when your sweet baby's head is smushing her bladder
i have survived 3 pregnancies and only actually peed my pants once
but this does happen
note to husbands: don't scare the pee out of your wife unless you plan on doing the laundry (chris)
and ladies, if you don't want to continue peeing yourself after you give birth make sure to do your lady exercises and also a few minutes of core workouts a day
yes, 3 babies later and i still have total control of my bladder. something i know lots of people can't actually say (yes, i know your secrets)
lady exercises. core and abs. don't be lazy. go!
or wear depends the rest of your life. i don't care.
 
 
now, if you thought all this was nasty, just wait.
oooooh just wait.
the week before labor can get a little grusom.
your beautiful glowing (lets face it, sweating) woman is about to drop something called a mucus plug
yep. 2 words you never want to hear together.
but its going to happen at some point. whether its a week before labor or during labor.
 
next, the "bloody show"
trust me, you'd rather watch a zombie movie than this happen
chris turned white and almost passed out the first time it happened
now he's cool with it
 
once her water breaks she will be leaking everywhere. the babies head might plug the leak sometimes but if it moves just a little, out comes more of what chris calls "placenta juice"
its just salty water people. its all good.
just like playing in the ocean
 
while some of you are brave enough to watch the actual delivery of your sweet child, some of you may not be. figure out which one you are so that you will still love your wife when its all said and done
"things" tend to get slightly frightening when there is a head coming out
i watched
once
with a mirror
never again
chris can get all in there and watch everything and still want to jump me 2 weeks later
some guys can't
 
she could possible scream at you....or punch a wall
or tell you its your fault (it is)
or she might almost break your hand on accident
or she might get very very angry that your cold watch touched her shoulder
or she might turn into satan and growl at you that she needs her chapstick asap
 
...just to throw out a few examples
 
 
oh, and a word on the babies head...its going to be all folded in on itself until it actually comes all the way out
its creepy
and unlike the movies, your baby wont be pink, clean, smiling, and weigh 12 pounds (i hope for your sake it doesn't)
it can range from a lovely gray to purple color. will look like a cone headed bull dog and be wrinkly and have white slime all over it
it might look a little frog like too
awww. so cute.
youre wife might be snuggling with it and kissing it even when it is in this condition
don't worry, you can ask her to shower and brush her teeth before you kiss her again
 
you are not allowed to tell her you're tired during all of this (or after for that matter)
you can't tell her you want to sit down
you most definately can't say you have to pee right as she's about to start pushing
YOUR CHILD OUT OF HER LADY PARTS
 
 
if you plan on cutting the cord you must know that its not going to be an easy "slice" with the scissors
its actually quite tough
so put some muscle into it
next you might want to check out the placenta
chris asks to see it every time
dont' ask me why
i do not save it in my freezer or plant a tree over it, although my parents did
i do not have it put into capsules and take it as a supplement
i do not take a bite out of it while i'm recovering
but he still wants to look before they get rid of it
i don't give one crap about it because i have my beautiful purple slime covered screaming newborn baby to snuggle with
 
in the week after the baby comes you may have to do some things for your wife that aren't so hot
remember, she just pushed YOUR child out of her lady parts. so be nice. and do whatever she asks you to
help her pull up her sexy old lady underwear with the surf board sized pad in it
(or actual depends if she's smart)
let her hold your arm in the shower while she stands in a pool of her own blood
she will cry
and get angry
and sweat
ALOT
as the hormones change rapidly
its not her fault
 
if you are a father and can say "my women did none of these things" then you clearly were NOT paying attention and not helping her enough
 
remember through all this that everything will go back to normal after a while
her body is basically a transformer and it takes a little bit to get it back to where it was before
 
sure, you have a new human to work into your daily life, but you probably wont even notice
ok just kidding, it will be screaming all hours of the night and pooping on everything
but you will love it
you can't help but love it
if your wife doesn't love it have her read this and then make her go see her doctor
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

the first trimester diet


the first thing you want to think about is what will come up easily
thats right
you do want it to go down but you'll want to expect it to be coming back at some point so chips and chopped salad probably isn't a good plan right now
things like applesauce, oatmeal....lemon water. those are things that might come up easy

next think of what you can't stand the sight or smell of:
chicken, mint, sweet, cumin, beer, plain water, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, saltines, cookies,
don't even bother trying to eat these as they will be puked out short after trying and you will have wasted them

add cinnamon to anything you can...even hot water
this helps with nausea i promise
unless of course its on your "i can't stand the sight of it" list
 
like mint
ugh

now, if you have a moment in the day where something sounds absolutely delicious and you're actually hungry, EAT! quickly. but no more than a few bites. this feeling wont last long. also if you get yourself even remotely full you will be sick not long after

in order to not get dehydrated, mix tiny amounts of your kids vitamin drink in some water and sip on that all day. at least you're getting something right?
and don't believe the gingerale myth
its just sugar and will not help you at all
most ginger ale doesn't even have ginger in it
stay away from that
stick with things like lemon water, fresh ginger tea, and hot water with cinnamon and honey

next, apoligize to your family in advance for the large amounts of tofu and beans you will be cooking in the next several months since the smell of chicken makes you gag
also say you're sorry for the fact that you can't stand the taste of gum or mints...unless its fruit flavored of course. but even that is pushing it

make a great effort to cook dinner in the morning since noon is when it gets real bad
start stocking up on packages of tofu, rice pasta, chicken sausage, and basil marinara fron trader joes since thats what youre going to be making your family eat quite often
be thankful you married a man who loves italian food

nap

the end
 

 
 
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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

3 birth stories in a row. cover your eyes. this could get nasty.

as per the request of a pregnant friend i am going on a blogging adventure with my first 3 births
if you are squeemish please don't read this
i'm not shy
 
 
Izzy
 
i went to see my midwife for my 37 week appointment and was told that my BP was way too high
i was sent into Mercy hospital in Aurora, IL for observation for a few hours
a few hours turned into overnight...which i was not happy about at all
she told me i was having contractions every 2 minutes but i didn't believe her since i could barely feel a thing
around 1145pm i decided to try to get some sleep
sleep? with stupid monitors attached to me?
right
anyways...i was falling asleep
midnight struck
POP! water broke
just like that
i yelled some explatives and told chris to find my nurse
she came in to check me and make sure i hadn't just peed myself since this was my first baby and maybe i didn't know what i was talking about
i mean really? a water balloon just popped between my legs. i think i know the difference between that and peeing
 
chris turned this awesome ghostly white color and was instructed to "sit down please dad"
which he gladly did
within 2 minutes of the flood, the real contractions started
yeah i was surprised
i knew they would be bad but i didn't know THIS bad
i had to lie in bed due to my pre-eclampsia problem which was literally the worst position for me to be in
around 2am chris decided to pretend to sleep
i didnt find out he was pretending until izzy was 6months old
he said he was tired of hearing me moan
haha
oh chris
he has come a looooong way since that night
 
by 8am i was 6cm and my midwife came in to see how i was doing
she let me get up for a little bit
i swore
i yelled
i knew nothing of this relaxing she was talking about
i think izzy would have been born several hours earlier if i had known what i heck i was doing
 
at 11am i got the urge to push
oh thank the good Lord!
at 1220pm out she came!
all gray and slimy
chris started bawling because he thought something was wrong with her
i had tried to warn him that its not like the movies but he didn't want to hear about it
so he had to learn the hard way that a newborn infant is not pink and fat and beautiful
oh no
they are nasty and covered in white slime and sometimes a grayish purple color
also they have a conehead
so adorable!
my midwife said "tell mom what you have dad"
chris said "i can't see! i'm crying"
awwww
so we discovered it was a girl
we named her isabella
chris cut the cord and she started nursing within minutes of her entry into the world
 
 
 
 
Reed
 
i thought that since izzy was born at 37 weeks this next one might come at the same time
but no
he had to wait an extra week just to make me that much more excited to see him
i had been having some awesome fake contractions for months
the night i went into labor thats what i thought was going on
but when i tried to lie down to get some rest i couldn't get comfortable
i still didn't think it was labor
i drank a huge glass of water
then another
then tried to lie down again
no such luck
still miserable
did i think i was in real labor?
of course not
then at 10pm, BAM! those real contractions i had forgotten all about
somehow after each birth you forget what REAL contractions feel like
i think God did that so we'd still want more kids
although now with all the epidurals and stuff women don't have to feel anything
but for me, yes, i feel them. all the way till the end
 
anyways, i started panicing because it started so fast
i made chris call my mom, who we had decided would help with coaching in the hospital
she jumped out of bed, and out of the pop up camper they were living in down the road at the time
and had dad drive her here within about 2 seconds
mom called my midwife when we were on our way to vandy
my contractions were coming 4 minutes apart and lasting 60 seconds
yep, this was not a joke
i was riding in the front seat of our cherokee
NOT a smooth ride
especially with chris freaking out and going 90
i pretty much almost killed him each time we hit a bump
our marriage was hanging on a thread there for a minute
just kidding
but seriously men...chill out on the driving on the wives to the hospital
if they have the kid in the car its not the end of the world
we pulled into the ER, i got wheeled into the waiting room in the worlds MOST uncomfortable wheel chair
and then i was left there, in hard labor, for 45 minutes
yes ladies, 45 minutes of yelling and screaming in a waiting room full of people
 
finally i got into a room and was told i was 5 cm.
phew! no baby in the car
not that i would have really cared
this was about midnight
 
2am i was 7cm
7am....still 7cm
then i started crying
an entire night of labor and barely anything to show for it
i had tried every position, lying, standing ,squatting, the shower, the birthing ball, hands and knees....but nothing
at 10am i finally let my midwife break my water...since i was STILL 7cm. boy did that get things going
let me tell you though, that was the worst part of the whole night.
horrible
horriblehorriblehorrible
the contractions got a million times worse
 
within an hour i was pushing and an hour later out came reed
although we were so excited the whole thing was over that we forgot to even check what i had just pushed out
oops
we were just excited
i remember somebody saying "what is it?"
oh yeah. sorry people. its a boy.
reed was not a great nurser
the first night was miserable
lots of screaming (by him of course) and i cried
now looking back and knowing what i know about him i think it was due to his allergies
a pediatrician would probably call me crazy but i think he was reacting even when i was pregnant with him
 



Hank
 
sweet little hank decided to follow the trend and wait yet another week to make his appearance
i was 39 weeks
and miserable
september is HOT in tennessee
especially when you're fat
ugh
 
i had been having contractions, good ones but not too awful, for several hours that day
i called my midwife
she said "since its your 3rd i better check you just to see whats going on"
so i went in
i was 2cm
for all i know i had been 2cm for weeks
thats just how things go after the first baby
she said "walk"
so i walked the L&D floor for an hour
kept having contractions
still 2cm
she said "how about you go home and sleep and you'll probably have this baby sometime tomorrow"
so i was lying on the bed waiting for my discharge papers
2 minutes before she brought them in i had a REAL contraction
yep...those ones you forget about again
it brought a little tear to my eye
so pathetic
by the time she came back i was in the middle of another one and was white knuckling the bed
she goes "oh. well...i guess i we might not need these papers after all"
she let me get through a few more
then she checked me
5cm
what?! already?!
"ok, lets get you a room"
which i had to walk to...across the skywalk
that was weird
i had to stop every minute or 2 to grunt my way through another contraction
got into the bed for 15 minutes to be on the monitors
then i was allowed to get into the birthing tub
or the glorious birthing tub
it helped
alot actually
suddenly i thought i was goign to throw up
i didn't
but i thought i was
then i remember thinking "this is way too soon for this part of it"
then i suddenly thought i was dying
usually the "i'm dying" part of labor is right before the pushing part of labor
"there's no way" i thought. its way too soon
then i thought "if this is how its going to be for the next 10 hours i'm going to cave and get an epidural or i'm not going to make it"
i remember topher's watch touching me while he was coaching
it was cold
i got very angry
according to him i turned into satan and growled at him "get that watch away from me"
and shortly after that i really really needed my chapstick
like asap people
chapstick!
my midwife said "how about you get out of the tub and i'll see how much progress you've made"
i got on the bed, laid down, and felt a pop
yay! the water breaks!
at this point there was some little nursing student trying to stick an IV in my hand and trying to get me to sign some papers
my midwife pushed her back and said "get away from her. she needs to concentrate and you need to stop bothering her"
 
then all of a sudden i yelled "IT BURNS!"
she went to check me and i heard "oh...there's the head. i see hair"
then chris says "i have to pee"
OH NO YOU DON'T!
my mom said "pee your pants chris. she's about to push"
 
i pushed maybe 3 or 4 times and out came a baby
NOT a cone headed baby. he wasn't in there long enough to get a funny shaped head
he was nice and purple though
he also started nursing right away
i'm pretty sure he was trying to nurse before his feet were out
 
i soon found myself sitting in a rather large puddle of blood
i heard the blood bank being called
i was given a shot of pitocin
then i got really dizzy and sick
but i didn't really care
i had a new baby!
 
 
would i rather have a short really really intense labor or a long still intense but not as much so labor?
i think short
at least it was over fast and i was less tired
plus i didn't have much time try to beg for drugs
 
also let me just say that chris has come a LONG way since izzys birth
he was so lost, the poor guy.
 
he really had no idea what to do so when he was pretending to sleep i couldn't possibly be mad at him
wifes: tell your husbands they HAVE to listen to what labor is going to be like because you're going to make them. even if they don't want to.
he went from pretend sleeping on the couch to saying "hannah. pretend like this is your marathon. you're almost to the finish line. you can do this"
spooning ice chips into my mouth
holding my hand
holding my leg when it was time to push
i am also extremely glad my mom was there for the 2 boys births
i was too embarassed and shy to have her there for izzys
 
but i mean c'mon, the woman has done this 8 times herself so she knows her stuff and she knew what to tell chris to do when he was feeling lost
 
for all you first timers out there i will say this:
if you plan on going natural, don't plan on wearing anything awesome for the actual birth
bring stuff for after
but something about the pain of natural child birth makes you want to be total naked or as close to it as possible by the time you're done
or maybe thats just me?
also i would say practice relaxing
and i don't mean take a nap
i mean relax your whole body
its a hard thing to do when you're at the 30th second of a 60 second contraction and you know another is going to start in 90 seconds but its absolutely necessary to let your body do what it needs to do and NOT fight it
i fought against my uterus when i was in labor with izzy and it hurt more than it should have
i didnt know this until i was having reed and my mom was coaching me on how to chill out
so if it means taking a silly birthing class just to get some instruction on how this is done, i say its worth it
 
also don't be weirded out if your husband is all into the whole experience
chris said he would stay by my head and only look at my face because he was pretty sure he would be too grossed out by the whole birth thing
but no. as soon as i started pushing he was watching everything
he even asked if he could watch the midwife inspect reed's placenta
and he still loves me just the same :)
he even says "after watching you have my babies i have so much more respect for women"


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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

midwives and my reasons why

just kidding i didn't but some people do
 
its official
i have insurance
which means i can go see my midwife on friday
 
which also means i will tell you all why i choose midwives and NOT a doctor
who knows. there may come a time in my life when i have to actually see an OB but i'm praying that is never the case
here are some reasons i choose midwives
 
1. she will be there the entire time you are in labor. there's no leaving the room for hours to go grab dinner or go to sleep
 no coming in at the last second to catch the baby....or even possibly missing it all together. nope.
 she's there.
 the whole time. and she rocks.
for my last birth my midwife went home when she decided i wasn't in active labor. then 20 minutes later i WAS in active labor and she turned right around and came back and stuck with me the whole time
 
its pretty much almost like having a doula. although my mom now helps out with coaching too. except with hank...hank came too fast and my poor mother stood in the corner not knowing what to do. and now chris knows what to do.
one thing he should NOT do is ask if he can go pee right when i start pushing
nope. he'll never live that one down.
 
 
2. midwives will be as non-invasive as you want them to be. they allow you to be off the monitors and walk around if everything is going fine. they encourage moving in fact.
 they also wont check dilation ever 5 seconds
ugh
 
3. if you want natural they're going to give you natural. they will not pressure you into early induction just because. even if you say "i'm sick of being pregnant" theyre not going to induce unless there is a legit medical reason. and i mean legit. they know the risks involved in inducing a baby before its ready: c-section, stress on the baby, stress on the mom. all that not awesome stuff.
they also wont pressure you into an epidural just because they're tired of hearing you yelling and swearing
 
4. she's not going to get tired of coaching you and helping you through labor and say "you're not progressing fast enough. lets do a c-section". progressing fast enough for who? sorry you missed your 9pm movie doc, but i was busy having a baby. nope. she will let things happen how they're going to happen
 
5. she (at least mine) will encourage yelling during the nasty nasty contractions. especially during transition.
 "yell away my dear"
 
6. she will not make you lie on your back with your feet in stirrups while you push. nope. we all know thats not natural anyways.
you can do it in any position you want. if birthing your baby while squating on the floor feels like the best way in the moment, go for it!
you want to use a birthing stool?
go for it.
you want to have bob marley playing in the background while pushing your kid out?
go for it
 
7. she will remind you over and over that you are a woman and your body was made for this. that you do not need modern medical help (most of the time) to get this child into the world. you don't need drugs and forceps and vacuums and IVs and knives and Lord knows what else.
 
nope. just a good old fashioned uterus and a wall to punch and a husbands hand to break and you're ready to roll
 
 
 
33% of all deliveries are c sections
being induced doubles your chance of having a c section
having an epidural slows down your labor in most cases which then will require pitocin....which as we already know, doubles the csection chances
 
hospitals get between $700 and $1200 for an epidural. hmm. i wonder why doctors are so big on talking moms into them
 
midwives do not like any of this
they are 100% about the laboring woman in front of them
don't let a doctor talk you into believing that childbirth is un natural and crazy to try without help
 
ever watched the business of being born? you probably should. it will make you angry.
also read spiritual midwifery. it will probably mostly make you laugh but its actually an awesome book. hippies rock.
 
so unless you can find the rare doctor that will actually treat you like a human mother, i suggest rethinking your next baby.
but thats just me
 
oh. and for those of you who have asked about home births and why we don't?
its simple.
we're a half hour away from the hospital and i could never forgive myself if something went wrong and we didn't make it in time
 
otherwise i would be down my the creek having my babies every time
 
yep
i said it
in the creek
i might even put the child in a freshly gutted deer to keep them warm while i took a bite out of the placenta
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

hyperemesis and other things i get to think about all day

i will thank you all in advance for NOT sharing with me all the "cures" for throwing up you just google searched for me
 
i've heard them all
i've probably tried them all
every tea/herb i could find
some essential oils
ginger infused everything
motion sickness bands
crackers
blah blah blah
so unless you have a legit cure that you have actually tried, please keep your mouth shut.
ok thanks.
also, feel free to send me any leftover antiemetics you have lying around
 
i know, the "witch doctor" doesn't have a cure for this excessive puking?
well no
i don't
not yet anyway
maybe if i would have planned better for this
but how was i to know that i would be THIS sick?
ugh
basil/ginger/peppermint does help the regular symptoms
but once the puking starts theres nothing to be done
 
things i have learned:
don't stand up to quickly
sometimes don't stand up at all
crawling helps
sometimes...
 
don't roll over in bed unless you plan on doing it VERY slowly
don't cross your legs
don't turn your head too fast
don't wear tight pants (yay sweats!)
don't get too hot
don't get too cold
don't open the freezer
don't sit on a cold toilet
plug your nose when heating leftovers
plug your nose while cooking
 
plug your nose..always
 
avoid loud noises
don't squat
don't wear tight shirts
avoid coffee
don't run
avoid stupid people
 
that final one is the most important
just kiddng....a little
 
and now the question: why?
you mean why have kids if its not going to be perfectly beautiful and easy?
if its not 100% flowers and giggles and epidurals?
if you have to ask, i hope you don't have kids yourself.
 
too harsh?
i think not.
 
go ask any mother. well...any mother who loves her kids.
i guarantee she will say "its all worth it"
 
if not, please call DCFS
 
somehow, we women have this desire in us to grow babies no matter the cost
God given? i think yes.
 
if men were the ones to grow the babies, humans would already be extinct.
have any of you ever seen a man with a fever?
case in point
 
cats would have taken over the world
well more than they already have
we all know how terrible that would be
eww
 
 
but not to worry folks
tomorrow i will have insurance again and will be able to get some meds by next week
i hope
 
 
 
 
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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

coming to a house in the woods this july

 
yes, its true. all the rumors you've seen floating around social media
 
keldie baby #4 is in the making
well actually...made
just brewing
due july 15th if my calculations are correct
 
this is how i told chris
with bath tub crayons and a very artistic picture on the shower wall
 
i now have an excuse to throw up wherever i want, and wear sweatpants, and take naps, and carry around a bucket and a bag of ginger
i also don't feel the need to fight off sleep at 730pm
i am one of the lucky ones who gets the "fun" pregnancy symptoms before i even know i'm pregnant
crying (more than usual anyway) nausea and sleepyness
so get off my back
im making a kid
whats your excuse?
 
i'm very excited
WE'RE very excited
 
my lady plumbing has clearly not be affected by this ovary disfunction i have
who's surprised?
probably no one
 
 
some of you may be asking "why?"
why do we not wait the usual 12 weeks to spread the news of the growing little one?
1. we can't keep secrets
2. we are excited and celebrating a little life and no matter how long we have it with us we want to be excited with our friends and family. God gave us another baby and its a baby from the moment of conception so that is something to celebrate. this is why we don't wait around for a miscarriage like most people do. if it happens we will of course be sad but at least we got the chance to love it while it was here. 
 
back to (1)...i found out thismorning and had to keep the secret from EVERYBODY until chris got home and found out. this practically killed me. the past 3 times he's knows pretty much immediately and then everybody else knew about 5 minutes later...when chris was done freaking out and squeezing the life out of me. this time i did not run out of the bathroom with my pants barely pulled up holding a pee stick and crying
this time i had to pretend like nothing was going on when he called
ugh
 
but now the world knows
 
surprisingly, my first thought when i was "pregnant" pop up on the test wasn't "holy crap....labor sucks"
nope. after 3 times i guess i'm over the fear
get back to be when i'm about 36 weeks
i might be freaking out
 
feel free to call us or text us and be excited with us 
feel free to NOT say stupid crap like "are you catholic?" or "aren't you worried about over population?" or "wow. you're stupid"
you will surely get a swift kick to the throat
 
yay 4! we can't wait to see you!
 
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Sunday, November 4, 2012

a week of veggies at the keldie house

here is what we go through in an average week
just to give you an idea
this doesn't mean its what you have to do but for every one who asks what we eat...here you go
4-5 lbs of carrots
 
3 lbs broccoli
 
3 heads of white cabbage
 
1-2 lbs spinach
 
1 head lettuce
 
2-6 bell peppers...but only if they're on sale that week
 
2 cucumbers
 
8 onions
 
2 full garlic bulbs
 
2 heads of cauliflower
 
4 sweet potatoes
 
8-10 cups cooked beans (black, lentil, and kidney)
 
none of these are frozen, canned, fried, or otherwise processed
now...go fill up your fridge!
 
 
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Thursday, November 1, 2012

worries of an allergy mom




 

today was the day
occasionally i get overwhelmed by the stress and seclusion of raising a child with life threatening food allergies
there were tears
lots of tears
and some  therapytalking with a certain lovely sister of mine
 
can we just talk about the words "life threatening" for a second?
do you understand what that means?
life threatening
 
 
as in, a dead child
think about losing your own child? and how awful that would be or has been if you've experienced it
 
this thought is always in the back of my mind
i know i could lose reed to an anaphylactic reaction one day
maybe his last reaction wasn't too bad and was controlled by benedryl or at the hospital
but whats the next one going to be like?
 
i trust God as much as humanly possible with his little body and his life but i am still human and i am still a mother and i still worry
 
i don't think most people let that thought run through their mind
not if they don't have a kid that could DIE from food

 
we do everything we can, as a family, to protect him and yet we try not to be overprotective
allowing a child to get hurt, and get dirty, and eat sticks, and run free in the woods is easy
going to a friends house where you know there is deadly food?
not easy at all
nearly impossible in fact
 
we were invited to a dessert party this week and were warned that there would be food that included nuts and dairy
 
we could not go of course
not a big deal...except that we were missing out on hanging out with some special people that we really don't get to see very much
we're kind of used to missing out on things
but that doesn't make it any easier
we do our best to not say anything around the kids so they don't start to feel bad about it
its not their fault
and its not my fault either...which is something i have to remind myself of often
 
would you be careless with exposing your child to something that could kill him?
i don't think so
so judging us for doing that just isn't cool
 
we do not like missing out on hangouts and parties
but we do like reed and we'd like to have him around forever
 
i'm already worried about his future and his friends and if they will try to poison him
i know it sounds a little psychotic to even think about that but kids are stupid
girlfriends are stupid
and i know all i can do is do what i know and pray
pray for the ability to trust God for his safety
we have had friends come and go
we have stopped being invited to do most things
but the life of our kid is 1st on our list
 
how do i make someone understand all this?
i'm just a little lost
 
we have made our home a safe place but there is nothing i can do about the rest of the world
i know i can't hide him from everything
i'm not trying to hide him
but i'm also not going to be stupid about it
 
all this to say, the stress of food got to me today and i broke down
i'm thankful for sisterhugs
i do not have it all together
i don't know everything there is to know
i wish, like every parent out there, that i could make my child's world a safe one
an allergic child makes that so much harder
 
 
 
 



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