Wednesday, March 28, 2012

sometimes you are just sad (updated)

**updated 3/17/14**

after what i went through when reed was born, i feel like i need to speak out a little about post partum depression (PPD)
not because i want everybody to say "oh you poor thing" or "suck it up sally" but because i feel like this is something lots of women go through and never talk about
it needs to be addressed
and don't let anybody tell you to "smile more you'll be fine" or "maybe if you pray more you would be happier" because its hormonal, not something you can control
and it strikes without warning

4 weeks after reed was born i cried. i cried and i cried. i did not want to hold my sweet little boy. i didn't want to see people. i didn't want to talk about anything. i didn't want to eat.
i got angry...abnormally angry
i cried some more
i cried so hard i got sick
i sat in the shower and cried
i would lie awake at night and cry
i would go into the bathroom to cry so chris wouldn't hear me
i lost all my baby weight and then some in a short period of time
and i literally had no idea why
finally chris made me go see my midwife
he knew something was wrong
i just thought i was a terrible human
the worst mother on earth

i sat
i talked
she told me it was going to be ok and as long as i didn't feel like hurting my baby or myself i could go home and start some meds
so i did
happy pills

they took about 2 weeks to kick in but life started getting a little better
chris didn't feel so helpless
i didn't feel like such a worthless failure
i wanted to hold my little man again
and feed him
and kiss him
and i cried less
not never
but less
much less
and i started going out again
i started cooking
i even started eating

fast forward 4 months
positive pregnancy test
3 months into the pregnancy i went off my meds because someone scared me into it

2 months after that i got even worse than i was before i had gone on them

finally, at one of my appointments, i told my midwife something was just not right
she told me to start taking my meds again and not to google anything about zoloft and pregnancy
of course, i did
and got freaked out
but she reassured me it was all a scam
so i just took the lowest dose for the remainder of my pregnancy

hank is healthy

2 weeks after he was born my dose was doubled
then 4 weeks after that it was doubled again
then i went to see a psychiatrist and immediately felt like a crazy person
i knew i had anxiety
i knew i was just a little OCD when i got stressed out (i will not frighten you with the details)
i knew i had PPD
but now it was official
written on a yellow sheet of legal paper by a man with a PhD in psychiatry

where was chris through all of this?
hugging me of course
wondering what the heck was wrong with me
talking to a friend who has a wife with similar issues (this helped him alot)
trying to understand me
making sure i was eating enough and taking my meds

fast forward to hank turning 6 months old
i am still on my "happy pills"
i still cry occasionally
i still have days where i get into some weird funk but i think everybody has those
and my goal is to get off of them when he turns 1
or at least try

i have learned that hormones suck
crying is normal
crying ALL day (and for hours and hours at night) is NOT
sleep and exercise is important for sanity
God is always here
my husband wants to help i just have to let him

i also think it is important for all you moms out there to understand that if this happens to you, its not your fault and don't let anyone tell you it is. and also, it can start during pregnancy...not just in the year after the baby is born
take care of yourself for your kids and your man
they need you
and find someone to talk to
even if thats me :)
i've been there
i am there still
3/17/14: I am sitting here with my 8 month old. The fourth Keldie baby. He is chewing on a spoon and saying "dadadada!" very loudly. He is sweet and fat and I love him to death!
 I came home from the hospital that day in June, carrying my sweet little boy, confident that I could handle PPD if it happened again. And I did. What I was not prepared for was the anxiety and panic attacks that would come with it. The racing heart, the shaking, the inability to eat some days, the feeling that if I could just run away into the woods everything would be ok. The sudden jolt awake in the middle of the night for no reason at all.
  I went back on Zoloft. I refused the script for Clonopin.
 I keep a cabinet full of herbs, homeopathic remedies, vitamins, and essential oils. I did a short month in therapy to try to get some help. And now I wait for my hormones to fix themselves after the trauma of having 4 babies in just over 4 years. I pray for peace. I attempt to get enough sleep. I avoid large crowds of people (but we all know I've always done that)  Maybe in a year I will have another update. Stay crazy my friends. I know I will be :)

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  1. Thank you so much for this blog!!! I'm so happy that I will be able to get help so I can be myself again!

    1. i hope you can get an appointment soon so you can start getting better :)