Wednesday, March 28, 2012

sometimes you are just sad (updated)

**updated 3/17/14**

after what i went through when reed was born, i feel like i need to speak out a little about post partum depression (PPD)
not because i want everybody to say "oh you poor thing" or "suck it up sally" but because i feel like this is something lots of women go through and never talk about
it needs to be addressed
and don't let anybody tell you to "smile more you'll be fine" or "maybe if you pray more you would be happier" because its hormonal, not something you can control
and it strikes without warning

4 weeks after reed was born i cried. i cried and i cried. i did not want to hold my sweet little boy. i didn't want to see people. i didn't want to talk about anything. i didn't want to eat.
i got angry...abnormally angry
i cried some more
i cried so hard i got sick
i sat in the shower and cried
i would lie awake at night and cry
i would go into the bathroom to cry so chris wouldn't hear me
i lost all my baby weight and then some in a short period of time
and i literally had no idea why
finally chris made me go see my midwife
he knew something was wrong
i just thought i was a terrible human
the worst mother on earth

i sat
i talked
she told me it was going to be ok and as long as i didn't feel like hurting my baby or myself i could go home and start some meds
so i did
happy pills

they took about 2 weeks to kick in but life started getting a little better
chris didn't feel so helpless
i didn't feel like such a worthless failure
i wanted to hold my little man again
and feed him
and kiss him
and i cried less
not never
but less
much less
and i started going out again
i started cooking
i even started eating

fast forward 4 months
positive pregnancy test
3 months into the pregnancy i went off my meds because someone scared me into it

2 months after that i got even worse than i was before i had gone on them

finally, at one of my appointments, i told my midwife something was just not right
she told me to start taking my meds again and not to google anything about zoloft and pregnancy
of course, i did
and got freaked out
but she reassured me it was all a scam
so i just took the lowest dose for the remainder of my pregnancy

hank is healthy

2 weeks after he was born my dose was doubled
then 4 weeks after that it was doubled again
then i went to see a psychiatrist and immediately felt like a crazy person
i knew i had anxiety
i knew i was just a little OCD when i got stressed out (i will not frighten you with the details)
i knew i had PPD
but now it was official
written on a yellow sheet of legal paper by a man with a PhD in psychiatry

where was chris through all of this?
hugging me of course
wondering what the heck was wrong with me
talking to a friend who has a wife with similar issues (this helped him alot)
trying to understand me
making sure i was eating enough and taking my meds

fast forward to hank turning 6 months old
i am still on my "happy pills"
i still cry occasionally
i still have days where i get into some weird funk but i think everybody has those
and my goal is to get off of them when he turns 1
or at least try

i have learned that hormones suck
crying is normal
crying ALL day (and for hours and hours at night) is NOT
sleep and exercise is important for sanity
God is always here
my husband wants to help i just have to let him

i also think it is important for all you moms out there to understand that if this happens to you, its not your fault and don't let anyone tell you it is. and also, it can start during pregnancy...not just in the year after the baby is born
take care of yourself for your kids and your man
they need you
and find someone to talk to
even if thats me :)
i've been there
i am there still
3/17/14: I am sitting here with my 8 month old. The fourth Keldie baby. He is chewing on a spoon and saying "dadadada!" very loudly. He is sweet and fat and I love him to death!
 I came home from the hospital that day in June, carrying my sweet little boy, confident that I could handle PPD if it happened again. And I did. What I was not prepared for was the anxiety and panic attacks that would come with it. The racing heart, the shaking, the inability to eat some days, the feeling that if I could just run away into the woods everything would be ok. The sudden jolt awake in the middle of the night for no reason at all.
  I went back on Zoloft. I refused the script for Clonopin.
 I keep a cabinet full of herbs, homeopathic remedies, vitamins, and essential oils. I did a short month in therapy to try to get some help. And now I wait for my hormones to fix themselves after the trauma of having 4 babies in just over 4 years. I pray for peace. I attempt to get enough sleep. I avoid large crowds of people (but we all know I've always done that)  Maybe in a year I will have another update. Stay crazy my friends. I know I will be :)

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Monday, March 26, 2012

a dress from a sheet

the sheet that was a part of our love tent from last weekend is now making a second appearance on my blog. this time as a dress.
i bought it over a year ago from goodwill for $1.50. it has served me well. it has been used for forts for the kids, for an indoor picnic blanket, for the tent, and finally as a dress.

all i did was cut a rectangle a little wider than my widest part (which is quite wide, i assure you) sewed the arm holes, sewed up the open side, folded over the top and sewed it and then made a tie and strung it through. 
after that, i immediately got an attitude.
just kidding.

a few things played into me getting some time to sew
1. reed took a nap
2. hank fell asleep at 1 for his nap
3. izzy decided she wanted to keep playing outside and has been out there going on 3.5 hours. and she's still digging in the dirt and blowing bubbles and running up and down the hill

now i must go make dinner
its "left over stiry fry night"
i swear we eat this teriyaki stir fry every other day. its just so delicious
so i guess i'll just go put some honey on my face and take a shower or do some pushups or something

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Saturday, March 17, 2012

adventures at vandy: part 2

i wish i could say this was our last adventure at vandy but i know it is not. but hopefully we wont be back for a while.

first, a question:
has anybody ever tried holding an almost 2 year old down for 2 days giving him breathing treatments? yeah not easy. i'm SO tired. that could also have something to do with the fact that i slept 20 minutes wednesday night and only a few hours thursday night
but hey, we're making it.

after the pulling an all nighter in the emergency room the plan was for chris to sleep first and then i would sleep in the afternoon with hank. but by noon we were back in the E.R. so that plan failed miserably.

thursday was a little scary for us
reed was not responding to his breathing treatments for most of the day
his heart rate was waaaaay too high
his breathing rate was waaaaay too high
and his O2 levels kept dropping

now, another question:
can i just hide this kid in the house until he grow out of this?
also...will he grow out of this?

reed is doing better
our entire day is planned around his breathing treatments that happen every 3 hours plus 2 pulmicort treatments that have to be squeezed in there somewhere 
this includes waking him up through the night to do them 

goal for saturday:
get read to eat something. ANYTHING (that he's not allergic to of course)

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Thursday, March 15, 2012

adventures at vandy

yes. we live there. we are going to get a mailbox put in at the critical care nurses station for anybody who wants to send reed a card.
or send me more coffee

goal for this summer. don't get a cold.

we got into the childrens e.r. at 1030pm. got checked in
 got through triage.
got hidden away in a back hallway by the service elevator when they saw we had hank with us.
then reed started getting worse so i went back to triage and they checked him again and literally ran us to critical care.
breathing machine hooked up
leads attached
tiny gown put on
screaming sweaty reed

about 20 minutes into his 4 hour breathing treatment he turned on us and started FREAKING out
so that was fun
he got hysterical for a while and i had to wrap my arms and legs around him just to keep him from throwing himself onto the floor
i HAD to keep the mask on his face or we would NEVER get to go home

chris and i split 40 minutes of sleep the whole night
also fun
thankfully hank was a tiny fat saint
he was awake almost the whole night
moral support for reed?
he laid on his little bed and played with his toys and looked at reed
and of course flirted with the nurses
typical keldie boy :)
reed finally fell asleep around 430am

i nursed hank and successfully yet accidentally flashed the respiratory specialist
after a couple hours of albuterol and a couple hours of epinephrine we were told to go home and watch him
so we do
we watch
we feel his belly to see how hard he is working to breathe
we look at his neck to see if he is straining
we listen to his chest
we give more breathing treatments
and most of all we try to get him to chill out
ever tried to get a kid hopped up on albuterol to calm down and sit still?
can't really happen
asthma is NO fun
so if ya'll don't see us for a while you know why.
we are avoiding you.
just kidding
but kind of for real
colds are no joking matter for little man's lungs
but one good thing i got out of the long night was a little tiny hospital gown.
ok seriously. its so cute.
but shhhh
don't tell anybody i took it

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Monday, March 12, 2012

hannah's easy lavender bags

turn a sock inside out
grab some dry lavender
turn it right side out and knot it
put it in the dryer 
for those of you wondering where i get my dry herbs
go to the Bulk Herb Store

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Saturday, March 10, 2012

and the game goes on...and on...and on

chris and i have a game
we call it "rummy"

so does the rest of the world

we love playing rummy
in fact, we love it so much, that we have had a game going for over a year now
we keep score in a notebook and every time we are done we just put the date by the score

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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

a word on happy husbands

there are obvious ways to make your husband happy...i wont get into that. ya'll know what they are.
then there are not so obvious, less exciting ways to make your man happy.
but if you get the right attitude about it it can be fun.
every man is different
figure yours out please
or just ask him and he will tell you

a thing that i have learned about chris in our 3 short years of marriage is that he likes things clean

i am, by nature, a messy person
slightly crazy
a tiny bit of a spaz running from one thing to the next with a million ideas in my brain
he is organized, clean, thorough, calm
i leave the lid to the toilet up
he closes it after me
i try to remember 
i leave my pajama drawer open
he closes it
he reminds me
i try to remember
he throws his socks ON the hamper, instead of inside it
i pick them up
i remind him
he tries to remember
we make a perfect pair

my goal, before he walks in the door every day, is to get a few things done that he likes
personally, i love a clean kitchen and laundry put away
my soul is at peace when there are no dishes in the sink
he doesn't necessarily care that the dishes are all clean and put away
he likes the hoosier and the piano cleaned off
he likes the toys picked up off the floor
he likes to at least smell dinner cooking
he likes to be able to walk into the kids room to put them to bed without almost killing himself on a toy car
he likes the rug vacuumed 

these things DO NOT happen every day. there are a few days (very few) that they ALL get done at once
but i try to have some done every day for him
i have my list and his list and his list gets stars next to things i know are important to him
i absolutely have to write things down
if he asks me to pick him up some new razors i will forget 5 seconds later if i don't write it on the fridge
thats just the way my brain works (or doesn't work)
a curse
so i have learned to help myself by using post its and sharpies

make your man happy
show him you care about what he likes
don't do it because you want to get him to do something
do it out of love
change your attitude
get over yourself
love on your man in every way

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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

flu interruptions

so much for filling up the island with pots and pans this weekend. that was supposed to happen sunday. but instead, we got home from church and chris and i immediately started having that awesome puke feeling. we were sick all evening. poor chris was sick all night too.
yesterday we were so tired and lethargic we could barely get off the couch.
seriously, did somebody sneak into our house and beat us up when we weren't looking?

thankfully none of the kids got sick but that made it hard for the 2 of us to keep up with them.

yesterday morning izzy tried to "help" and got reed some breakfast...which consisted of half a lot of bread that had dairy in it. so he's all snotty and coughing and covered in a rash. poor baby.

i really really want to start reorganizing my kitchen today but i have been busy doing laundry and sanitizing my whole house. i'm a little bit of a germ freak when it comes to stomach viruses.
everything has been sprayed with vinegar and peroxide and i have washed every piece of fabric that either of us touched.

i also replaced our toothbrushes and opened all the windows.
i think we're safe now :)
i'm so bad in fact, that if i hear of someone i know having the stomach flu i immediately start feeling sick.
i found out that there is actually a name for this fear of puking: Emetophobia. yeah. pretty weird huh?

so maybe the island will have to wait till tomorrow. its almost noon and i'm SO tired.
apparently having the stomach flu and not eating anything or drinking much takes a toll on the boob milk. poor little hank has been nursing for all he's worth and was still up 2 nights in a row. good thing i have a small stash of milk in the freezer. he will get a bottle before his nap and before bed tonight to catch him up.

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Sunday, March 4, 2012

a project for lovers: part 2

this afternoon we put the hardware back on the island part of our project. i must say, its looking pretty awesome.
as you can see, we don't have the top made yet but we do have a temporary for now. 
tomorrow will be exciting because i get to start putting stuff in it.
yay! organizing!
that should be...interesting...with 3 little ones running/crawling around.
yes. its true. hank is just about to take off on hands a knees. he's crawled a few inches but then goes back into a superman. my life is about to change yet again.
fun times to come.

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Friday, March 2, 2012

a project for lovers

over the next few days chris and i will be working on our island and a small section of cabinet for above the washer and dryer. can i just tell you that i'm SO excited!
excited to have more cabinet space
excited to have a little more counter in my kitchen
excited to be doing a hands on project with my man
excited that i am married to a sexy professional painter who can help me fix the messes i'm about to make

yesterday we went to the habitat home store in nashville to look around for some cheap cabinets. i was only expecting to find something crappy that i could use for the "laundry room/closet" and i didn't care what it looked like because it would be hidden.
what i found is something i consider a treasure. i don't know if its the amazing hardware or the fact that it reminds me of the cabinets in the house i where i was born and grew up. either way, i was thrilled beyond belief when i saw them sitting there in the back of the store
not only the cabinet for the wall, but a small section of cabinet that i will be turning into a little island for my kitchen

so thrilled that i forgot to buckle hank into his carseat before we left for home
i'm pretty sure every mother has done this. and if you haven't, moms, i'm sure you will

while the kids were falling asleep i took the handles and hinges off to get it ready.

 when chris gets home we are going to pick up the paint and sandpaper. he said i should go get the paint while he's at work...but last time i did that by myself we had a pink bedroom instead of a tan bedroom. gross.
so i will wait

first chris fixed up the back for me

then we spent the whole afternoon painting...and repainting. and then he even let me caulk 

we were interrupted by a severe weather watch/ tornado warnings and took a little trip down to the valley to hide out in our neighbors underground shooting range. of course, nothing happened. barely any rain. but at least we had fun with my family for a little while. and of course, both my boys pooped all over the place while we were down there.
so thats it for the day. we are waiting till tomorrow to put the final coat on the island. hopefully the one cabinet will be hung tomorrow night. so yes, there will be more posts and pictures to come. 

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