sometimes you are just sad (updated)

 

**updated 3/17/14**

after what i went through when reed was born, i feel like i need to speak out a little about post partum depression (PPD)

not because i want everybody to say "oh you poor thing" or "suck it up sally" but because i feel like this is something lots of women go through and never talk about

it needs to be addressed

and don't let anybody tell you to "smile more you'll be fine" or "maybe if you pray more you would be happier" because its hormonal, not something you can control

and it strikes without warning

4 weeks after reed was born i cried. i cried and i cried. i did not want to hold my sweet little boy. i didn't want to see people. i didn't want to talk about anything. i didn't want to eat.

i got angry...abnormally angry

i cried some more

i cried so hard i got sick

i sat in the shower and cried

i would lie awake at night and cry

i would go into the bathroom to cry so chris wouldn't hear me

i lost all my baby weight and then some in a short period of time

and i literally had no idea why

finally chris made me go see my midwife

he knew something was wrong

i just thought i was a terrible human

the worst mother on earth

i sat

i talked

she told me it was going to be ok and as long as i didn't feel like hurting my baby or myself i could go home and start some meds

so i did

happy pills

woot!

they took about 2 weeks to kick in but life started getting a little better

chris didn't feel so helpless

i didn't feel like such a worthless failure

i wanted to hold my little man again

and feed him

and kiss him

and i cried less

not never

but less

much less

and i started going out again

i started cooking

i even started eating

fast forward 4 months

positive pregnancy test

excited

terrified

3 months into the pregnancy i went off my meds because someone scared me into it

2 months after that i got even worse than i was before i had gone on them

finally, at one of my appointments, i told my midwife something was just not right

she told me to start taking my meds again and not to google anything about zoloft and pregnancy

of course, i did

and got freaked out

but she reassured me it was all a scam

so i just took the lowest dose for the remainder of my pregnancy

hank is healthy

2 weeks after he was born my dose was doubled

then 4 weeks after that it was doubled again

then i went to see a psychiatrist and immediately felt like a crazy person

i knew i had anxiety

i knew i was just a little OCD when i got stressed out (i will not frighten you with the details)

i knew i had PPD

but now it was official

written on a yellow sheet of legal paper by a man with a PhD in psychiatry

where was chris through all of this?

hugging me of course

wondering what the heck was wrong with me

talking to a friend who has a wife with similar issues (this helped him alot)

trying to understand me

making sure i was eating enough and taking my meds

fast forward to hank turning 6 months old

i am still on my "happy pills"

i still cry occasionally

i still have days where i get into some weird funk but i think everybody has those

and my goal is to get off of them when he turns 1

or at least try

i have learned that hormones suck

crying is normal

crying ALL day (and for hours and hours at night) is NOT

sleep and exercise is important for sanity

God is always here

my husband wants to help i just have to let him

i also think it is important for all you moms out there to understand that if this happens to you, its not your fault and don't let anyone tell you it is. and also, it can start during pregnancy...not just in the year after the baby is born

take care of yourself for your kids and your man

they need you

and find someone to talk to

even if thats me :)

i've been there

i am there still

----------------------------------------------------------------

3/17/14: I am sitting here with my 8 month old. The fourth Keldie baby. He is chewing on a spoon and saying "dadadada!" very loudly. He is sweet and fat and I love him to death!

 I came home from the hospital that day in June, carrying my sweet little boy, confident that I could handle PPD if it happened again. And I did. What I was not prepared for was the anxiety and panic attacks that would come with it. The racing heart, the shaking, the inability to eat some days, the feeling that if I could just run away into the woods everything would be ok. The sudden jolt awake in the middle of the night for no reason at all.

 

  I went back on Zoloft. I refused the script for Clonopin.

 I keep a cabinet full of herbs, homeopathic remedies, vitamins, and essential oils. I did a short month in therapy to try to get some help. And now I wait for my hormones to fix themselves after the trauma of having 4 babies in just over 4 years. I pray for peace. I attempt to get enough sleep. I avoid large crowds of people (but we all know I've always done that)  Maybe in a year I will have another update. Stay crazy my friends. I know I will be :)

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

adventures at vandy: part 2

i wish i could say this was our last adventure at vandy but i know it is not. but hopefully we wont be back for a while.

first, a question:

has anybody ever tried holding an almost 2 year old down for 2 days giving him breathing treatments? yeah not easy. i'm SO tired. that could also have something to do with the fact that i slept 20 minutes wednesday night and only a few hours thursday night

but hey, we're making it.

after the pulling an all nighter in the emergency room the plan was for chris to sleep first and then i would sleep in the afternoon with hank. but by noon we were back in the E.R. so that plan failed miserably.

thursday was a little scary for us

reed was not responding to his breathing treatments for most of the day

his heart rate was waaaaay too high

his breathing rate was waaaaay too high

and his O2 levels kept dropping

now, another question:

can i just hide this kid in the house until he grow out of this?

also...will he grow out of this?

reed is doing better

our entire day is planned around his breathing treatments that happen every 3 hours plus 2 pulmicort treatments that have to be squeezed in there somewhere 

this includes waking him up through the night to do them 

goal for saturday:

get read to eat something. ANYTHING (that he's not allergic to of course)

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

adventures at vandy

yes. we live there. we are going to get a mailbox put in at the critical care nurses station for anybody who wants to send reed a card.
or send me more coffee

goal for this summer. don't get a cold.

we got into the childrens e.r. at 1030pm. got checked in
 got through triage.
got hidden away in a back hallway by the service elevator when they saw we had hank with us.
then reed started getting worse so i went back to triage and they checked him again and literally ran us to critical care.

breathing machine hooked up

leads attached

tiny gown put on

screaming sweaty reed

about 20 minutes into his 4 hour breathing treatment he turned on us and started FREAKING out

so that was fun
he got hysterical for a while and i had to wrap my arms and legs around him just to keep him from throwing himself onto the floor
i HAD to keep the mask on his face or we would NEVER get to go home

chris and i split 40 minutes of sleep the whole night
also fun
thankfully hank was a tiny fat saint
he was awake almost the whole night
moral support for reed?
he laid on his little bed and played with his toys and looked at reed
and of course flirted with the nurses
typical keldie boy :)
reed finally fell asleep around 430am

i nursed hank and successfully yet accidentally flashed the respiratory specialist
after a couple hours of albuterol and a couple hours of epinephrine we were told to go home and watch him
so we do
we watch
we feel his belly to see how hard he is working to breathe
we look at his neck to see if he is straining
we listen to his chest
we give more breathing treatments
and most of all we try to get him to chill out
ever tried to get a kid hopped up on albuterol to calm down and sit still?
yeah
can't really happen
asthma is NO fun

so if ya'll don't see us for a while you know why.
we are avoiding you.
haha
just kidding
but kind of for real
colds are no joking matter for little man's lungs
but one good thing i got out of the long night was a little tiny hospital gown.
ok seriously. its so cute.
but shhhh
don't tell anybody i took it

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.