Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Inside the Mind Of An Allergy Mom

Normal to us is nowhere near what normal is to every one else.
2 days ago I was driving through west Nashville, all happy go lucky, when I heard Reed cough.
My brain said: asthmapufferohcrapilefttheemergencymedbagathome!
no epipens
no Benadryl
no inhaler
Then the panic set in.
I was 30 minutes from home.
I still hadn't gone to the store I needed to go to.
I decided to skip it and try again another day.
I pulled into Ashland City Walmart because I NEEDED diapers. It was a dire situation. The diapers AND the epi-penless state of our little family at the moment.
I made Reed sit in the buggy with Hank because my nerves couldn't handle the thought of him wandering off for just a second and touching something dangerous.
Most of you can walk through a grocery store without a care in the world.
Not us.
When you have forgotten the life saving medicine that you carry with you everywhere, (and I mean everywhere) every container of yogurt, every bag of trailmix, every prepackaged snack is practically jumping out and exploding in your child's face.
Every human in the vicinity is covered in peanut dust and scrambled egg remnants.
That's just how our minds work.
So while you all are prancing gleefully through the grocery store without a care in the world, remember that somewhere is a mother with a watchful eye who views you and your snack-eating child as a major threat.
Obviously we made it home without we do on the days we have our medicine. But it was slightly terrifying. I felt I had failed as a mother.
That if something were to happen somehow that I was the one who had hurt or killed my child because I couldn't remember the very thing I have had with me everywhere I go for years.
I don't remember what it is like to go into a grocery store without fear in the back of my mind.
If its fall, the fear gets pushed to the front of my mind because stores seem to think its cool to have giant bins of nuts out in the middle of the store.
I wouldn't know what to do with myself if someday I could go into a friends house and not see landmines in every corner of their kitchen or attached to their children.
Family parties might cause stress for some people because...well...its family. Family parties for us cause stress because food.
Food has to be everywhere.
I hate food.
Food and I have never had a great relationship but it has only been worsened by the deadliness that comes with it now.
Today I was told by the kids' new allergist that Reed is ready to start food challenges.
This means that the very things that have sent him into anaphylaxis, the things that have caused so many tears and stress, are now going to be baked to a temperature high enough to break down the proteins and then I have to feed them to him.
I don't know if my poor heart can handle it.
I don't know that I can even begin to explain how terrified I am.
I have 1 week to mentally prepare myself to walk into that office with my little man.
Can someone please come hold my hand?
It could go extremely well and he could be on the way to becoming desensitized to normal food that nobody else thinks twice about eating.
It could also end badly.
It could end in a bad reaction that sends him across the street to the emergency room.
So while probably none of this makes sense to you, can you just please pretend it does so I feel like I'm being understood?
K. Thanks.
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