Monday, February 24, 2014

10 Steps To (anaphylactic free) Playground Fun

Since we are quickly approaching (have reached?) park season, I wish to enlighten all of you people who eat normal food.

I will likely offend at least 2 people who will take this personally and be angry about how I want my child to have a safe place to play too. 
Not sorry.
You like your kids enough to want to keep them alive don't you?
Guess what, me too. Crazy, I know. How dare I.

Steps to having a safe, somewhat stress free (ok thats a lie) day at the park:
1. pack a safe lunch (duh)
if you can't do step 1 you should probably just drop your kids off at the nearest child services office right now

2. check med bag for epi pens/benedryl/inhalers
you already knew they were there but you have to check and probably re-check because you cannot leave the house with out them. absolutely. can. not.
especially when dealing with the possibility of 20 other people who use puppy chow as confetti

3. drive to park

4. pull into parking lot, see 5 kids running around, and immediately regret this decision
its too late though. you are there. you promised the 4 minions and you are now weighing the consequences of turning around and just leaving

5. release the cracken!
they will fall out of the van. its a given. but you're not worried about them getting hurt. nope, there are other evils afoot. 

6. do a quick scan for tell tale signs: wrappers, white or brown smears on the equipment, (ice cream people, not poop) other kids eating on the run

7. now you have to do the thorough walk through. you have to go up on the slide, check under each set of stairs, look under the swings, check all handrails, check the ground, check all picnic tables and benches. 
think i'm being crazy? here are examples of things i've had to clean up before my kids could play:
-pick up a peanut butter sandwich
-wash icecream off the step
-wipe the cream from a doughnut off the grass
-pick up pistachios
-pick up other peoples nasty *ss garbage that has cheeseburger remnants and milk shake all over it

c'mon humans. stop being nasty. even if my kid couldn't die from touching this garbage its still gross that you can't even throw it away.

8. get up the courage to go to the mom who is feeding her child snickers bars at 9am and ask her if she could please have her kid at least sit still while they're eating it so i don't have to leave
ask the kids eating puppy chow to stop throwing it around the play ground (while their mom sits there staring at them and not doing anything)
ask the other kid to stop shaking their sippy cup of milk all over the place

99% of them will start to stare off into space and get a glassy eyed look as i try to explain to them how touching/ingesting this long list of food can send my kid into anaphylactic shock. 

9. leave

10. finally take a deep breath

While the rest of you can just frolic and play without a care in the world,
i will be standing guard with epi pens in my pocket and i will automatically view your peanut butter icecream covered kid as a major threat

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