midwives and my reasons why

just kidding i didn't but some people do

 

its official

i have insurance

which means i can go see my midwife on friday

 

which also means i will tell you all why i choose midwives and NOT a doctor

who knows. there may come a time in my life when i have to actually see an OB but i'm praying that is never the case

here are some reasons i choose midwives

 

1. she will be there the entire time you are in labor. there's no leaving the room for hours to go grab dinner or go to sleep

 no coming in at the last second to catch the baby....or even possibly missing it all together. nope.

 she's there.

 the whole time. and she rocks.

for my last birth my midwife went home when she decided i wasn't in active labor. then 20 minutes later i WAS in active labor and she turned right around and came back and stuck with me the whole time

 

its pretty much almost like having a doula. although my mom now helps out with coaching too. except with hank...hank came too fast and my poor mother stood in the corner not knowing what to do. and now chris knows what to do.

one thing he should NOT do is ask if he can go pee right when i start pushing

nope. he'll never live that one down.

 

 

2. midwives will be as non-invasive as you want them to be. they allow you to be off the monitors and walk around if everything is going fine. they encourage moving in fact.

 they also wont check dilation ever 5 seconds

ugh

 

3. if you want natural they're going to give you natural. they will not pressure you into early induction just because. even if you say "i'm sick of being pregnant" theyre not going to induce unless there is a legit medical reason. and i mean legit. they know the risks involved in inducing a baby before its ready: c-section, stress on the baby, stress on the mom. all that not awesome stuff.

they also wont pressure you into an epidural just because they're tired of hearing you yelling and swearing

 

4. she's not going to get tired of coaching you and helping you through labor and say "you're not progressing fast enough. lets do a c-section". progressing fast enough for who? sorry you missed your 9pm movie doc, but i was busy having a baby. nope. she will let things happen how they're going to happen

 

5. she (at least mine) will encourage yelling during the nasty nasty contractions. especially during transition.

 "yell away my dear"

 

6. she will not make you lie on your back with your feet in stirrups while you push. nope. we all know thats not natural anyways.

you can do it in any position you want. if birthing your baby while squating on the floor feels like the best way in the moment, go for it!

you want to use a birthing stool?

go for it.

you want to have bob marley playing in the background while pushing your kid out?

go for it

 

7. she will remind you over and over that you are a woman and your body was made for this. that you do not need modern medical help (most of the time) to get this child into the world. you don't need drugs and forceps and vacuums and IVs and knives and Lord knows what else.

 

nope. just a good old fashioned uterus and a wall to punch and a husbands hand to break and you're ready to roll

 

 

 

33% of all deliveries are c sections

being induced doubles your chance of having a c section

having an epidural slows down your labor in most cases which then will require pitocin....which as we already know, doubles the csection chances

 

hospitals get between $700 and $1200 for an epidural. hmm. i wonder why doctors are so big on talking moms into them

 

midwives do not like any of this

they are 100% about the laboring woman in front of them

don't let a doctor talk you into believing that childbirth is un natural and crazy to try without help

 

ever watched the business of being born? you probably should. it will make you angry.

also read spiritual midwifery. it will probably mostly make you laugh but its actually an awesome book. hippies rock.

 

so unless you can find the rare doctor that will actually treat you like a human mother, i suggest rethinking your next baby.

but thats just me

 

oh. and for those of you who have asked about home births and why we don't?

its simple.

we're a half hour away from the hospital and i could never forgive myself if something went wrong and we didn't make it in time

 

otherwise i would be down my the creek having my babies every time

 

yep

i said it

in the creek

i might even put the child in a freshly gutted deer to keep them warm while i took a bite out of the placenta

 

 

 

 

 

 

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coming to a house in the woods this july

 

yes, its true. all the rumors you've seen floating around social media

 

keldie baby #4 is in the making

well actually...made

just brewing

due july 15th if my calculations are correct

 

this is how i told chris

with bath tub crayons and a very artistic picture on the shower wall

 

i now have an excuse to throw up wherever i want, and wear sweatpants, and take naps, and carry around a bucket and a bag of ginger

i also don't feel the need to fight off sleep at 730pm

i am one of the lucky ones who gets the "fun" pregnancy symptoms before i even know i'm pregnant

crying (more than usual anyway) nausea and sleepyness

so get off my back

im making a kid

whats your excuse?

 

i'm very excited

WE'RE very excited

 

my lady plumbing has clearly not be affected by this ovary disfunction i have

who's surprised?

probably no one

 

 

some of you may be asking "why?"

why do we not wait the usual 12 weeks to spread the news of the growing little one?

1. we can't keep secrets

2. we are excited and celebrating a little life and no matter how long we have it with us we want to be excited with our friends and family. God gave us another baby and its a baby from the moment of conception so that is something to celebrate. this is why we don't wait around for a miscarriage like most people do. if it happens we will of course be sad but at least we got the chance to love it while it was here. 

 

back to (1)...i found out thismorning and had to keep the secret from EVERYBODY until chris got home and found out. this practically killed me. the past 3 times he's knows pretty much immediately and then everybody else knew about 5 minutes later...when chris was done freaking out and squeezing the life out of me. this time i did not run out of the bathroom with my pants barely pulled up holding a pee stick and crying

this time i had to pretend like nothing was going on when he called

ugh

 

but now the world knows

 

surprisingly, my first thought when i was "pregnant" pop up on the test wasn't "holy crap....labor sucks"

nope. after 3 times i guess i'm over the fear

get back to be when i'm about 36 weeks

i might be freaking out

 

feel free to call us or text us and be excited with us 

feel free to NOT say stupid crap like "are you catholic?" or "aren't you worried about over population?" or "wow. you're stupid"

you will surely get a swift kick to the throat

 

yay 4! we can't wait to see you!

 

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7 gross ways to save money

 

1. the first and most obviously is stop taking showers. think about this. you shower every day or every other day. if you cut it down to once a week you'd be saving so much water! the only problem is you might have to buy more deoderant so use sparingly

 

2. make reusable toilet paper

everyone's doing it

 

3. if you can't afford costly cloth diaper sets just let your kids run around naked.

outside is preferable

 

4. if its yellow let it mellow if its brown...scoop it out and throw it in the woods

see! never have to flush the toilet again

bam. money saved on the water bill

 

5. save your toenail clippings and use as a firestarter

 

 

6. learn the fine art of the snot rocket and don't buy kleenex ever again

 

7. and finally we have come to the one i actually do. don't wash your hair. go poo free. all i use is baking soda once a week. so hmm...lets see. a bottle of shampoo is $3 (even back then i was cheap) and a huge bag of baking soda that will last me forever is $5something. and my showers are super short

 

 

 

 

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today is friday and i killed a chicken

430am: all the lights are on in the house and izzy and reed and coming in to wake us up

i put them back

shut off the lights

crawled in bed

445am: hank starts screaming

yay! 5am and everybody is back to sleep

oops. nope. tophers alarm goes off and he's getting up for work

kids are BACK in our room. this times with books and blankets in tow

send topoher off to work...or rather...his "random" drug test. he even had to take a breathalizer. really? who comes to work drunk? if you do, you deserve to be fired. just saying.

6am: everybody is crying

what?!

615: breakfast

645: please children. go out to play in the dirt. i NEED my pot of french press

7: laundry time! whatwhat!

730: request coming from the front door for bubbles. yes little dears, you may take the bubbles outside

745: i cleaned the house thoroughly yesterday. i am still missing 2 important things: 1. my size 7 pink chuck taylor. 2. a blue light saber

8am: oops. my coffee is cold. oh well. add some ice and pretend like i meant to have iced coffee

805: stare into the deep freezer and try to think of something to make for dinner. yay! a whole chicken! rosemary chicken? yes. basil fry bread? yes. steamed broccoli? yes. "fried" yellow squash? yes.

810am: my kids clothes are lying on the floor and they're out in their underwear. they kept their clothes on much longer than i expected

815am: upper body circuit by the front door so i can make sure nobody is climbing the fence to get at the hens or throwing rocks at the van

9am: bath time and tick check

10am: music and dance (freestyle of course)

11am: chris comes home and we all hang out

1230pm: i fall asleep on the couch

1pm: chris puts the kids to  bed

230pm: wake up wake up and more coffee!

3pm: more outside time

4pm: kids are feeding the hens

430pm: i decide to dye my hair black

5pm: izzy comes running in saying "willie got a chicken! wake it up mommy"

530pm: i chop the chickens head off with a machete to put it out of its misery. i make an attempt at getting out some good meat but willie got to it first so i scrap the whole thing and leave it on the stump for chris to deal with when he gets home.

545pm: wash the blood off my sh*t kickers and start dinner

6pm: i feel kind of weird pulling apart the chicken i had in the crockpot all afternoon since i just beheaded one of our hens

630: topher is home again

715: chris finally notices my hair is not red anymore.

730pm: emergency run to nashville to trade in the Wii for a kinect

930pm: home. tired. hungry.

940pm: kids are sleeping. i'm still waiting to eat. reeds meltdown about his new crib was a little easier tonight. maybe because he was so tired. maybe because he's getting used to it.

now: waiting for chris to get out of the shower so we can eat and watch some more dexter

hopefully i'm not too excited about goodwill half price day to sleep tonight

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anaphylaxis, ambulance, and blogtherapy

9am: send children out to throw old grapes into the chicken pen

9:10am: izzy unlocks the gate and reed gets into the coop...and touches raw egg (yes...just touches)

9:20am: reed's face starts to itch

9:25am: one eye is swollen shut and his whole face is getting bigger by the minute

9:30am: leave for vandy (weren't we just there on sunday for stitches?)

9:45am: reed's throat is swelling shut. his words are coming out sounding thick and he keeps clawing at his neck. his lips turned a freakish grey/white color

also 9:45am: i stick reed in the thigh with his epipen and count 10 (which he freaks out about..i would too i guess)

9:50am: i call an ambulance to meet us on the road

10:10am: we arrive in the children's e.r.

yes, this was the scarriest reaction yet. somehow i managed to only cry a little. he kept asking me to hold him in the car. i held him in the ambulance.

later, when we were settled in the critical care unit and he was being monitored by doctors and i calmed down a little i realized a few things

mostly, i was hungry and had to pee like a racehorse

also:

1. i was gross. yes. gross. i had just finished working out and running right before i sent the kids out to feed the chickens. so i was just nasty.

2. i had not shaved my legs. eww. also nasty.

3. i was missing a semi-important piece of undergarments...oops

4. i was in my summer pjs which i had changed into so i could clean the house

5. was this a lesson in humility? i think yes.

i was told that his epi pen was EXPIRED! thank God it still worked enough to keep him breathing and awake. i feel like such a terrible human for not checking them every month to make sure they're ok. at least i checked the color and since it wasn't cloudy or brown i figured it was still fine. it was fine enough to save his life. needless to say i have a new package of epi pens from the vandy pharmacy.

some of the nurses and the doctor that did his knee stitches sunday night came by to say hi. see...i told you he's the next tim taylor :) soon he will have his own room and his own mug with his name on it.

reed is currently taking a nap in his own bed. his face looks like he's been in a fight. all red and blochy and his eyes are still a little swollen. i have to watch him closely for the next 18 hours to make sure he doesn't relapse when the epinephrine wears off. will i sleep tonight? i highly doubt it. and reed will be right next to me the whole night.

thank you Jesus for my little boys life

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happy mothers day

your job doesn't end at 5pm. it doesn't start at 9. you don't get a "lunch break"its 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

its changing diapers

its potty training

its constantly being aware of where the little ones are

its cuddling

its reading books

its being drawn on with chalk

its breaking up fights

its washing wounds and putting on bandaids

its doctors appointments

its scrubbing dirt off dirty feet and hands

its rocks and sand in the washing machine

its getting the wad of paper out of the baby's throat

its thinking ahead to the next meal, the next load of laundry

its planning how to keep little bodies busy

its teaching nutrition

its keeping them safe

its letting them explore

its letting them play in the mud as much as they want

its getting the boys hand out of the toilet

its picking up toys and books

its 6 arms, 6 legs, and 30 little fingers all up in your business...some of them might be in your nose, some might be in their own nose. sometimes at the same time.

you're working even while you're sleeping - feeding the baby

its holding little hands as they learn to walk

its making sure they don't bring the worms they found outside into bed with them...too much

its giving the daughter some knitting needles and some yarn you wont want to use ever again and letting her "knit"

its organized chaos

its showing them that there isn't a monster behind the curtain

you are continuously "baby proofing" or "toddler proofing" as each week passes

its discipline

its never having matching socks

its wrestling before bed

its love

its a beautiful life

its messy and tiring and wonderful

its not for the weak

sometimes you feel like a failure

sometimes you feel like you might just not make it till daddy gets home

its not always fun and games but the amount of love you have for these little people is something you just can't explain

you learn that a completely acceptable "date night" can be very cheap: kids to bed early, dinner and a bottle of wine, snuggle up and watch a movie under a blanket

you go from "lets go out" to "lets spend time together we don't care where it is"

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a tiny taste of what happens to reed

this is from an unknown substance. he came inside from playing complaining about "itties" (itchies) on his legs and little buns.

if he were to drink milk or eat an egg he would be covered from his nose down in these hives. picture how freaky that is. yes.

so maybe he played with acorns or touched some plant he's allergic to. but it did not do anything to his face or his breathing so he gets a bath, some anti itch gel and some homeopathic allergy medicine and then its nap time 

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