Friday, December 14, 2012

the not so glamorous side of pregnancy, childbirth, and beyond

this one goes out as a warning to all men who are currently thinking about having children or who have the woman they love expecting their baby
you must be warned
chris was not warned
so please listen
and if you get to the end of this and email me and try to say "my wife doesn't do any of this" or "no that doesn't happen" then you should take off the blinders and get the clothes pin off your nose
carrying a child is not all smiles and happy tears and beauty
i promise
sure these glorious things will be thrown in there somewhere but really its not all that glamorous
lets start with the most obvious and the very first thing you will see your lady doing after she finds out she's carrying your baby: throwing up and gagging
you may only see this occasionaly, you may see it often
it will come on without warning
if she says "look out" you better move or better yet, grab the garbage can for her
you get extra points if you do this
very rarely does a woman actually get away without any of this
all the websites and books say that only 3/4 of all pregnant women experience some form of morning sickness
this is a lie
next, she will constantly have to pee
and she'll constantly be talking about pee
so hot right now
she will also not be able to poop
she will probably discuss this with you occasionally
feed her prunes
she will thank you
she will fall asleep everywhere
and not in the "aww cute. she's sleeping on my shoulder" kind of way
in the "drooling and snoring loudly" kind of way
something with pregnancy and snoring
i don't get it
next there will be snot
for some reason our sinuses go into over drive and we are always snotty
mmm. mucus
oh...and her breath suddenly has the potential to be deadly
now lets move onto the serious stuff
yes, i said it. i'm talking about gas.
your beautiful lady who smells like flowers is now a stink factory
and she can't control it
she will try
but she will also fail
men, think of the grossest thing you've ever smelled
now multiply it by 10
now try to think of all the reasons you fell in love with her in the first place
you will need to remember them often
 also, try not to be jealous of her new skill
she may pee herself
this will come later on when your sweet baby's head is smushing her bladder
i have survived 3 pregnancies and only actually peed my pants once
but this does happen
note to husbands: don't scare the pee out of your wife unless you plan on doing the laundry (chris)
and ladies, if you don't want to continue peeing yourself after you give birth make sure to do your lady exercises and also a few minutes of core workouts a day
yes, 3 babies later and i still have total control of my bladder. something i know lots of people can't actually say (yes, i know your secrets)
lady exercises. core and abs. don't be lazy. go!
or wear depends the rest of your life. i don't care.
now, if you thought all this was nasty, just wait.
oooooh just wait.
the week before labor can get a little grusom.
your beautiful glowing (lets face it, sweating) woman is about to drop something called a mucus plug
yep. 2 words you never want to hear together.
but its going to happen at some point. whether its a week before labor or during labor.
next, the "bloody show"
trust me, you'd rather watch a zombie movie than this happen
chris turned white and almost passed out the first time it happened
now he's cool with it
once her water breaks she will be leaking everywhere. the babies head might plug the leak sometimes but if it moves just a little, out comes more of what chris calls "placenta juice"
its just salty water people. its all good.
just like playing in the ocean
while some of you are brave enough to watch the actual delivery of your sweet child, some of you may not be. figure out which one you are so that you will still love your wife when its all said and done
"things" tend to get slightly frightening when there is a head coming out
i watched
with a mirror
never again
chris can get all in there and watch everything and still want to jump me 2 weeks later
some guys can't
she could possible scream at you....or punch a wall
or tell you its your fault (it is)
or she might almost break your hand on accident
or she might get very very angry that your cold watch touched her shoulder
or she might turn into satan and growl at you that she needs her chapstick asap
...just to throw out a few examples
oh, and a word on the babies head...its going to be all folded in on itself until it actually comes all the way out
its creepy
and unlike the movies, your baby wont be pink, clean, smiling, and weigh 12 pounds (i hope for your sake it doesn't)
it can range from a lovely gray to purple color. will look like a cone headed bull dog and be wrinkly and have white slime all over it
it might look a little frog like too
awww. so cute.
youre wife might be snuggling with it and kissing it even when it is in this condition
don't worry, you can ask her to shower and brush her teeth before you kiss her again
you are not allowed to tell her you're tired during all of this (or after for that matter)
you can't tell her you want to sit down
you most definately can't say you have to pee right as she's about to start pushing
if you plan on cutting the cord you must know that its not going to be an easy "slice" with the scissors
its actually quite tough
so put some muscle into it
next you might want to check out the placenta
chris asks to see it every time
dont' ask me why
i do not save it in my freezer or plant a tree over it, although my parents did
i do not have it put into capsules and take it as a supplement
i do not take a bite out of it while i'm recovering
but he still wants to look before they get rid of it
i don't give one crap about it because i have my beautiful purple slime covered screaming newborn baby to snuggle with
in the week after the baby comes you may have to do some things for your wife that aren't so hot
remember, she just pushed YOUR child out of her lady parts. so be nice. and do whatever she asks you to
help her pull up her sexy old lady underwear with the surf board sized pad in it
(or actual depends if she's smart)
let her hold your arm in the shower while she stands in a pool of her own blood
she will cry
and get angry
and sweat
as the hormones change rapidly
its not her fault
if you are a father and can say "my women did none of these things" then you clearly were NOT paying attention and not helping her enough
remember through all this that everything will go back to normal after a while
her body is basically a transformer and it takes a little bit to get it back to where it was before
sure, you have a new human to work into your daily life, but you probably wont even notice
ok just kidding, it will be screaming all hours of the night and pooping on everything
but you will love it
you can't help but love it
if your wife doesn't love it have her read this and then make her go see her doctor
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