Saturday, December 22, 2012

how did my mom survive christmas cookies? (recipe included)

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movies have tricked us mothers into believing that baking christmas cookies with our littles is such a sweet time. you will all be wearing cute aprons and the pink cheeked children will be standing on chairs around the table taking turns rolling out, cutting, and frosting the delicious little sugar cookies while licking their cute little fingers

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the baby will be emptying the utensil drawer
the 2 year old will be dumping the flour on the floor while you're trying to pick up the spatulas and wooden spoons
the 3 year old will be feeding sprinkles to the dog
you will slip on a brown piece of banana
not a peel, an actual piece of banana
and trust me, they are really slippery
and yes, this happened
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next the 3 year old will suddenly get the urge to steal your keys and run out into the woods with them while you were trying to roll out some dough
you will spank the 2 year old for throwing flour at his brother for the 4th time
you will use the thing you have nearest to you
which happens to be your flour covered hand because the baby has once again emptied the utensil drawer and run off with your spoons

hope nobody notices that on his pants

next you will be running to stop the baby from pulling all the movies down on himself and you will slide across the kitchen on the flour that has been spread around
were they thinking it was snow and would look pretty?
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you try to be sneaky and roll out the  ookies on the island
but soon enough you hear chairs squeaking across the kitchen floor and here they come
you give them each a piece of dough that they can call their own
they will also be eating this cookie later because its been worked over in their dirty little hands for half an hour
they spread flour, beat it with the spatula, drop it on the floor
the 2 year old quickly realizes its edible and his is gone and he's asking for more

you open the oven to check the cookies and suddenly the 2 and 3 year old decide to have a fight with your collection of metal mixing bowls


cookies are done
and cooled
this is the "fun" part
the frosting
you are trying to teach them how to frost some of the cookies
they only get a few because they are guaranteed to break/lick them all
but don't turn around for even 1 second
thats all it takes for the 2 year old to help himself to a handful (yes i said handful) of frosting

all the while you are trying to remind yourself this is supposed to be fun
then you suddenly think of your mother and wonder how in the world she is not in the loony bin solely from this once a year event

i am determined to make this a good memory for the kids even if i need an entire bottle of wine tonight
(don't worry. i know i'm pregnant people. i won't drink the WHOLE bottle)
i absolutely loved christmas cookie time when i was little
my kids will too dammit

and here is the recipe for the only cookies i will be making this year
its literally all i can handle
i took my mom's recipe for sugar cookies and made it vegan/allergy friendly
and it did end up being fun
but sometimes i wonder about those parents who let their kids throw crap around the house every single day
i would be not a sane person
or rather, i'd be more of an insane person than i already am
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Vegan Sugar Cookies and Frosting

1 cup earth balance "butter"(or coconut oil)
2/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup silken tofu (this is your egg replacement)
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
2.5 cups flour

beat the sugar and "butter" until creamy
add the rest of the ingredients and mix until everything is stirred in well
check the bottom of the bowl because the flour tends to collect down there and you don't find out till you've cleaned the mixing attachment....then you get really mad
just saying

refrigerate for 2 hours
if you're impatient you can put it in flat chunks wrapped in plastic wrap and stick them in the freezer until they get kind of hard
the only reason for this (that i know of) is to make them easier to roll out
if its all mushy you're going to get super mad at the dough and your rolling pin

roll out to 1/8 inch thick trying to use as little extra flour as possible
use the cookie cutters
do i really need to explain this part?

bake for 10-12 minutes or until edges start to brown
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allow to cool for a few minutes before removing from pan

allow to cool completely before frosting
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Vegan Frosting

1/2 cup coconut cream
3 TBLS coconut milk
1/2 tsp vanilla
enough powdered sugar to make it thick
did you seriously think i would measure that?
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